Finding My Star to Follow for 2012

I’ve never felt the need to be super reflective at the end of a year. Thankfully, it’s been a crazy long time since I’ve subjected myself to the horrors of making New Year’s Resolutions only to be overwhelmed with guilt when the same resolutions lie in tatters before February has even begun.

The end of 2011 felt different. It’s been a year of growth and change. During the past year, I’ve come to find myself surrounded by people who are living their lives with so much intentionality. Over the last five years or so, I’ve tended to leave things to happen as they will. So many plans have turned upside down that I’ve started waiting to see what the universe offers.

It’s been the path of least resistance. It’s led me to a good place, but it’s also a place where I’ve remembered that I want more out of life than just what’s comfortable. I might not be a pastor any more, but I still believe that each one of us is created with gifts to cultivate and share with the world — gifts that can, and need, to be expressed in order to make the world the best place it can be.

It’s left me feeling rather reflective. It’s no wonder. Add together all those wonderful people sharing their processes for thinking about the year ahead in a healthy way, then Kyeli’s writing apprenticeship homework to set some goals and dream some big dreams for 2012, and finally, a suggestion to start by celebrating the creative things I’d accomplished in 2011 from Michael Nobbs in his “Get Sustainably Creative for 2012″ course. Unless you’re completely not engaged in your world, it’s going to make you stop and ponder. I decided I’d liked the idea of picking a word for 2012. I’ve never done that before, but I’m a writer. A word for the year? That resonated with me.

It took some stuttering steps and hesitant starts along the way, but I’ve found my word for 2012. Not going to deny it, it scares me a bit. It’s not really a “Karen” kind of word … or, at least, it’s not a who “Karen’s been” kind of word. Even so, I know it’s the word I need as a reminder and as a star to guide me during the months ahead.

I promise I’ll tell you the word, before we’re done, but first you need to know the words that didn’t quite make it.

I started with Susannah Conway’s “Unravelling the Year Ahead 2012″ workbook. When asked to pick a word for 2012, I thought about it for a few moments and picked…

Sustainable Growth

I know, technically, it’s two words, but growth on it’s own felt like it needed some definition. I wanted growth that wasn’t just a blip here or there. I wanted growth that continued on a steady upward curve. It was a good word. Nothing wrong with that as an intention and focus for 2012. Instead of the on again, off again growth pattern of 2011, with its fits and starts, high peaks and low valleys, sustainable growth over the long haul seemed an admirable choice. I even picked four other words that I thought would clarify and support that growth.

Sustainable Growth. I could get behind that word. I could make that happen and not have it feel like an albatross hanging over my head just waiting for me to fail. I could do that. I made a decision. Sustainable Growth was my word for 2012.

But, then … maybe it wasn’t.

December 29th was our writing apprenticeship group call and I knew we were  discussing our goals for 2012 and our big “writerly” dreams (Yup, that’s the word we used. In the time honoured tradition of Dr. Seuss, we made up the word we needed!). As I sat writing and dreaming before that call, I realized that sustainable growth was … well … it was sustainable. It was a good idea, but it didn’t actually keep my attention.

I picked a new word.

Openness.

I even pulled out my markers and drew a flower in my notebook to symbolize the desire for my life to bloom and open like flower.

Openness was a great word.

I’ve spent so much time over the past few years being closed off, protecting myself from hurt, building walls to keep life out, hiding how broken and damaged I believed I was. The desire to be open to whatever life has to offer is a beautiful, freeing thing. It’s definitely something that I want more of in my life. I’ve seen what’s happened in 2011 when I’ve chosen to expand my boundaries and it’s been good, great even. Openness. That’s a word my heart could embrace.

Then, on January 1st, an email arrived in my inbox from Rachelle of Magpie Girl with a sample lesson from Flock, her relig-ish community. The email’s arrival was timely since one of the goals I’d listed just a few days before was to find a faith community or spiritual practice that fits who I am now. Checking out Flock is high on my list of resources to explore.

The lesson focused on Epiphany. In the church year, that’s the arrival of the magi at the birth of Jesus. Since my second year at seminary in the late 90′s, Epiphany has been my favourite season of the church year. Over the years, the idea of the journey and following the star has sunk deep into my soul. But I’ve been so out of touch with the spiritual part of my life that I’d completely forgotten that Epiphany was arriving on January 6th.

I checked my watch, realized there was time before dinner to watch the video and complete the guided meditation without interruption. The video focused on intentionality and the guided meditation was about receiving the name of the star that would guide us for the year.

My first thought was that I’d already found that name, openness, but I chose to go into the meditation with an open heart and see what was revealed. In the silence, I heard a new word.

BOLDNESS

I shuddered, slightly afraid. Boldness???

That’s not really a Karen kind of word. I’m better at introverted or slightly reserved and yet?? What if boldness was my star?

I thought about Kyeli’s words to me. Be more bold in my writing. Be more bold in my dreams. She’d been right; boldness was exactly what I needed to move forward in both situations.

Then there was the question in the opening pages of Creative Is a Verb that I’d been reading a few short hours before the email arrived. It had leapt off the page and straight into my heart.

“Do you want your life to be a rambunctious story of uniqueness, imperfect beauty and abundance?”

Yes. YES. MOST DEFINITELY YES!

Those are words I would want on my tombstone. “Her life was a rambunctious story of uniqueness, imperfect beauty and abundance.”

At 42, it’s not too late to make that true.

There’s also the quote from a poem that sang to me in the video introduction for Flock.

“Tell me what is it you plan to do

With your one wild and precious life?”

I knew my word when I heard it.

BOLDNESS

It’s a long leap from sustainable growth. It pushes the boundaries much farther than openness.  I still need those things in my life for 2012, but I want more.

I don’t know what embracing boldness means for my life. Like I said, it scares me.

At the same time, it makes the 9 year old me excited. She also really used to like the word rambunctious … until she grew up and learned that most people didn’t think that it was a good trait.

BOLDNESS ?

BOLDNESS !

That is most definitely the name of the star that I see in my sky. I’m getting on my camel, ready to follow wherever it leads in 2012. Wish me luck!

Where’s your journey taking you in 2012? I’d love to hear your story. It’s good to have companions on the road.

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